Recording Academy of America Members Admit Turnstile Grammy Nominations Were Desperate Ploy to Save Money on Blink-182 Tickets

LOS ANGELES – Leaked emails from senior members of the American Academy of Music suggest that Turnstile’s three Grammy nominations were a subversive attempt to get spots on the guest list for Blink-182’s concerts next year.

“Can you blame us? I looked up tickets for the second show in Los Angeles and they were about $900 for bleeding seats,” said NARAS President Harvey Mason Jr. as he shredded stacks of documents. “Some people said we should nominate Blink for their new song ‘Edging’ but come on, no one would fall for that. People actually listen to Turnstile, so it was an easy choice. The music industry is built on scratching each other’s heads anyway. All we need is 75 spots on the guest list and I can basically give them ‘The Best Rock Performance.’ Hell, last year Dream Theater won ‘Best Metal Performance’ because Mike Portnoy said he was going to give my nephew drum lessons.”

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Other nominees for the 2023 Grammy Awards have begun to suspect that the Academy wants favors in exchange for payment.

“We were all surprised by the nomination for ‘Best Rock Song,’ but then some old men showed up at my house with towels and bathing suits and I started putting things together,” said Flea, bassist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. “They told me they were from the Academy and wanted to take a quick dip in my pool. It really caught me off guard because it was pretty cold in Los Angeles, but I said yes for the hell of it. They stayed until about 2am and I think one of them broke a bottle and some glass fell into the pool. This is really dangerous, so they better give the Chili Peppers this award or I’ll send them a bill.”

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Independent watchdogs trying to curb corruption in the entertainment industry admit they are powerless against quid pro quo deals.

“This has been going on forever and frankly, we’ve given up trying to stop it. The best we can do is cash in on some of the benefits,” said Gloria Banks, president of the Alliance for Ethical Accountability. “This year we kept our mouths shut and got a bunch of vegetables from Brandi Carlisle’s personal garden and I get three nights free at an Airbnb in Sweden owned by ABBA’s manager. It’s sad that this is the way things have to be, but I don’t care. I got a 30 second video of Harry Styles saying “I rock.” I can die happy.”

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At press time, the Recording Academy of America released a video on its YouTube channel reminding music labels that cash bribes are still the best way to secure wins for their artists.


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